Don't know if this stuff is true, but.... ...changes are coming!!!
(courtesy Eugene Grainer)
Sobering information!
Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come...
1. The Post Office. Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
2 The Check. Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.
3. The Newspaper. The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.
4. The Book. You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.
5. The Land Line Telephone. Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes . 6. Music. This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies."
7. Television. Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.
8. The "Things" That You Own. Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.
9. Privacy. If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. And "They" will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.
All we will have that can't be changed are Memories.
19 Facts About The Deindustrialization Of America That Will Blow Your Mind
The United States is rapidly becoming the very first "post-industrial" nation on the globe. All great economic empires eventually become fat and lazy and squander the great wealth that their forefathers have left them, but the pace at which America is accomplishing this is absolutely amazing. It was America that was at the forefront of the industrial revolution. It was America that showed the world how to mass produce everything from automobiles to televisions to airplanes. It was the great American manufacturing base that crushed Germany and Japan in World War II.
But now we are witnessing the deindustrialization of America . Tens of thousands of factories have left the United States in the past decade alone. Millions upon millions of manufacturing jobs have been lost in the same time period. The United States has become a nation that consumes everything in sight and yet produces increasingly little. Do you know what our biggest export is today? Waste paper. Yes, trash is the number one thing that we ship out to the rest of the world as we voraciously blow our money on whatever the rest of the world wants to sell to us. The United States has become bloated and spoiled and our economy is now just a shadow of what it once was. Once upon a time America could literally out produce the rest of the world combined. Today that is no longer true, but Americans sure do consume more than anyone else in the world. If the deindustrialization of America continues at this current pace, what possible kind of a future are we going to be leaving to our children?
Any great nation throughout history has been great at making things. So if the United States continues to allow its manufacturing base to erode at a staggering pace how in the world can the US. continue to consider itself to be a great nation? We have created the biggest debt bubble in the history of the world in an effort to maintain a very high standard of living, but the current state of affairs is not anywhere close to sustainable. Every single month America goes into more debt and every single month America gets poorer.
So what happens when the debt bubble pops?
The deindustrialization of the United States should be a top concern for every man, woman and child in the country. But sadly, most Americans do not have any idea what is going on around them.
For people like that, take this article and print it out and hand it to them. Perhaps what they will read below will shock them badly enough to awaken them from their slumber.
The following are 19 facts about the deindustrialization of America that will blow your mind....
#1 The United States has lost approximately 42,400 factories since 2001. About 75 percent of those factories employed over 500 people when they were still in operation.
#2 Dell Inc., one of America ’s largest manufacturers of computers, has announced plans to dramatically expand its operations in China with an investment of over $100 billion over the next decade.
#3 Dell has announced that it will be closing its last large U.S. manufacturing facility in Winston-Salem, North Carolina in November. Approximately 900 jobs will be lost.
#4 In 2008, 1.2 billion cell phones were sold worldwide. So how many of them were manufactured inside the United States ? Zero.
#5 According to a new study conducted by the Economic Policy Institute, if the U.S. trade deficit with China continues to increase at its current rate, the U.S. economy will lose over half a million jobs this year alone.
#6 As of the end of July, the U.S. trade deficit with China had risen 18 percent compared to the same time period a year ago.
#7 The United States has lost a total of about 5.5 million manufacturing jobs since October 2000.
#8 According to Tax Notes, between 1999 and 2008 employment at the foreign affiliates of U.S. parent companies increased an astounding 30 percent to 10.1 million. During that exact same time period, U.S. employment at American multinational corporations declined 8 percent to 21.1 million.
#9 In 1959, manufacturing represented 28 percent of U.S. economic output. In 2008, it represented 11.5 percent.
#10 Ford Motor Company recently announced the closure of a factory that produces the Ford Ranger in St. Paul, Minnesota. Approximately 750 good paying middle class jobs are going to be lost because making Ford Rangers in Minnesota does not fit in with Ford's new "global" manufacturing strategy.
#11 As of the end of 2009, less than 12 million Americans worked in manufacturing. The last time less than 12 million Americans were employed in manufacturing was in 1941.
#12 In the United States today, consumption accounts for 70 percent of GDP. Of this 70 percent, over half is spent on services.
#13 The United States has lost a whopping 32 percent of its manufacturing jobs since the year 2000.
#14 In 2001, the United States ranked fourth in the world in per capita broadband Internet use. Today it ranks 15th.
#15 Manufacturing employment in the U.S. computer industry is actually lower in 2010 than it was in 1975.
#16 Printed circuit boards are used in tens of thousands of different products. Asia now produces 84 percent of them worldwide.
#17 The United States spends approximately $3.90 on Chinese goods for every $1 that the Chinese spend on goods from the United States .
#18 One prominent economist is projecting that the Chinese economy will be three times larger than the U.S. economy by the year 2040.
#19 The U.S. Census Bureau says that 43.6 million Americans are now living in poverty and according to them that is the highest number of poor Americans in the 51 years that records have been kept.
So how many tens of thousands more factories do we need to lose before we do something about it?
How many millions more Americans are going to become unemployed before we all admit that we have a very, very serious problem on our hands?
How many more trillions of dollars are going to leave the country before we realize that we are losing wealth at a pace that is killing our economy?
How many once great manufacturing cities are going to become rotting war zones like Detroit before we understand that we are committing national economic suicide?
The deindustrialization of America is a national crisis. It needs to be treated like one. America is in deep, deep trouble folks. It is time to wake up.
(Courtesy Eugene Grainer. Blame HIM if you think the above is all BS......)
About Todd: Todd has been with Y93 since 1997...the year of the famous 17-inch snowstorm with 70MPH+ wind gusts!
He sent a blank audition tape, and got the job anyway (true story; the guy that hired him is no longer with the company...). He's since been promoted to the Operations Manager position with Clear Channel Radio in Bismarck ("more proof that everyone rises to their level of incompetence...").
He said Family Guy would be back after it had been cancelled (it is). Thank him or blame him, but it's probably just coincidence. The bazillion illegal downloads of it probably had more to do with it than anything else.
Todd started working in radio in the '80s. Menomonie, WI; Tacoma, WA; Rochester, MN; Outer Banks, NC; Winchester, VA; back to Outer Banks, NC; to Columbus, OH; then Bismarck-Mandan. But his early experience was working for Rob Sherwood, the guy he grew up listening to in the Twin Cities.
Todd was an Ohio State Buckeye, so naturally hates the Michigan Wolverines ("Ann Arbor is such a GIRL'S name!").
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual reply from FHA): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response): "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was immediately approved.
I LOVE THIS DOCTOR! (Thanks, Beth!)
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!!!
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The economy is so bad that…
…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. …African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials! …I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" …CEO's are now playing miniature golf. …Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. …my ATM gave me an IOU! …a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. …I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife. …Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!" …if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. …Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. …McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. …Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .. …parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. …my cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! …a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . …Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. …a picture is now only worth 200 words. …they renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ." …when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. …the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. …Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - - - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
and last but not least:
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven 't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don 't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You 're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Those were the good ‘ol days. (Thanks, Mary!)
To Those of You Born 1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please read what he said.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer...
Subject: Sad newsIt is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the CaliforniaRaisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50for about 20 minutes.
HERE ARE SOME LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT TODD'S HOME STATE OF MINNESOTA:
* MINNESOTA BECAME THE 32ND STATE ON MAY 11, 1858 AND WAS ORIGINALLY SETTLED BY A LOST TRIBE OF NORWEGIANS SEEKING REFUGE FROM THE SEARING HEAT OF WISCONSIN 'S WINTERS.
*THE STATE FLAG OF MINNESOTA CONSISTS OF A BLUE BACKGROUND UPON WHICH SITS A DESIGN BEST DESCRIBED AS 'HOW A 7-YEAR-OLD CITY GIRL WOULD DRAW A PICTURE TITLED 'LIFE ON THE FARM.'' * MINNESOTA GETS ITS NAME FROM THE SIOUX INDIAN WORD 'MAH-NEE-SOO-TAH' MEANING 'NO, REALLY, THEY EAT FISH SOAKED IN LYE.' *THE STATE SONG OF MINNESOTA IS 'SOMEDAY THE VIKINGS WILL... AW, NEVER MIND'. *THE MALL OF AMERICA IN BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA COVERS 9.5 MILLION SQUARE FEET AND HAS ENOUGH SPACE TO HOLD 185,000 IDIOT TEENAGERS YAPPING AWAY ON CELL PHONES. * COKATO, MINNESOTA IS KNOWN AS 'THE LUTEFISK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.' AVOID THIS CITY AT ALL COSTS. *THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW' WAS SET IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA AND WAS MARY'S FIRST REAL ACTING JOB SINCE LEAVING THE 'DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.' THE SHOW, ABOUT A SINGLE WOMAN'S STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS IN THE BIG CITY, WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED 'LIFE WITHOUT DICK', BUT THAT WAS CHANGED FOR SOME REASON. *THE STATE MOTTO OF MINNESOTA IS, 'WHERE EVEN A MAN WHO WEARS A FEATHER BOA CAN GROW UP TO BE GOVERNOR. *DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS HAS AN ENCLOSED SKYWAY SYSTEM COVERING 52 BLOCKS, ALLOWING PEOPLE TO LIVE, WORK, EAT, AND SLEEP WITHOUT EVER GOING OUTSIDE. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THIS IS THAT A NORWEGIAN OCCASIONALLY TURNS UP MISSING. *CARTOONIST CHARLES M. SHULTZ WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, AND WAS THE ONLY ARTIST TO ACCURATELY DEPICT THE PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HEADS OF MINNESOTA NATIVES. *THE HORMEL COMPANY OF AUSTIN, MINNESOTA PRODUCES 6 MILLION CANS OF SPAM A YEAR, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ACTUALLY EATS IT. (True story: Todd has a grandfather and uncle that each worked atthe Hormel plant over 30 years. And THEY do NOT eat Spam!) *WATER SKIS WERE INVENTED IN 1922 IN LAKE CITY, MINNESOTA BY RALPH SAMUELSON. SADLY, HE DROWNED SHORTLY THEREAFTER, AS THE MOTORBOAT HAD NOT YET BEEN INVENTED. * ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED 'PIG'S EYE', AFTER FRENCH CANADIAN WHISKEY TRADER PIERRE 'PIG'S EYE' PARRANT. ITS TWIN CITY, MINNEAPOLIS , WAS KNOWN AS 'PIG'S SPHINCTER.' *THE STAPLER WAS INVENTED IN SWINGLINE, MINNESOTA BY A CHUBBY, MUMBLING MAN NAMED MILTON IN 1899. THE CITY WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED BY FIRE LATER THAT YEAR. *PELICAN RAPIDS IS HOME TO A 16-FOOT-TALL CONCRETE PELICAN, WHICH SUBSISTS ON A DIET OF 4-FOOT-LONG CONCRETE FISH. *IN 1973, OLIVIA, MINNESOTA, ERECTED A 25-FOOT TALL FIBERGLASS CORN COB TO CELEBRATE ITS RICH, AGRICULTURAL HERITAGE. THEN IN 1974, IT WAS EATEN BY A 50-FOOT STATUE OF BABE THE BLUE OX. (YES, MINNESOTA HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH STATUE CANNIBALISM.) * MINNESOTA LICENSE PLATES ARE BLUE & WHITE AND CONTAIN THE PHRASE 'BLIZZARDS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY - YOU GET USED TO IT.' * FRANK C. MARS, FOUNDER OF THE MARS CANDY CO. WAS BORN IN NEWPORT, MINNESOTA. HIS 3 MUSKETEERS CANDY BAR ORIGINALLY CONTAINED THREE BARS IN ONE WRAPPER, EACH FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT FLAVOR NOUGAT: CHOCOLATE, SPAM, AND LUTEFISK. * THE FIRST FULLY AUTOMATIC POP-UP TOASTER WAS INVENTED IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA IN 1926. MINNESOTA 'S STRINGENT BREAD-CONTROL LAWS CURRENTLY ONLY ALLOW RESIDENTS TO OWN SEMI-AUTOMATIC TOASTERS. * TONKA TRUCKS CONTINUE TO BE MANUFACTURED IN MINNETONKA, MINNESOTA , DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF GI JOE DOLLS KILLED BY THEM ANNUALLY IN ROLLOVER ACCIDENTS. NO AIRBAGS, NO SEAT BELTS. THESE THINGS ARE DEATHTRAPS. *AUTHOR LAURA INGALLS WILDER WAS BORN IN WALNUT CREEK, MINNESOTA, AND WAS FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE 'LITTLE HOUSE' SERIES OF BOOKS, AS WELL AS INVENTING THE 'SPAM DIET,' WHICH CONSISTS OF LOOKING AT A PLATE OF SPAM UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE. SIMILAR TO THE 'LUTEFISK DIET.' * THE SNOWMOBILE WAS INVENTED IN ROSEAU, MINNESOTA TO ALLOW FAMILIES A MEANS OF ATTENDING INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNICS. * MINNESOTANS ARE ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM WISCONSINITES. THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THEM APART IS TO ASK IF THEY VOTED FOR MONDALE IN '84.
Is that Todd with HILLARY SWANK??
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES:
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says(No, really?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Miners Refuse to Work after Death (Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works any better than a fair trial!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya' think?!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ( EnfieldCouple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide)They may be on to something! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man Struck By Lightning: Faces BatteryCharge (He probably IS the battery charge!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Weren't they fat enough?!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (That's what he gets for eating those beans!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LocalHigh SchoolDropouts Cut in Half (Chain-saw Massacre all over again!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?
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Interesting things you find out when you have kids...1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball along way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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HUSBANDS' BILL OF RIGHTS (MSN.com)
Amendment I:We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month. - A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you.
Amendment II:We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands. - We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned.
Amendment III:We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house. - Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone.
Amendment IV:We have the right not to be scolded by you. - We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
Amendment V: We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart. - Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this -- and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
Amendment VI: We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves. - Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves.
Amendment VII:We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need. - Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding... most of the time.
Amendment VIII:We have the right to watch the big game. - We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die.
Amendment IX: We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch. - This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
Amendment X:We have the right to still use chivalry. - Yes ... we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while.
Welcome toNorth DakotaThank you for visiting our beautiful state. Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at, did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it. 4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women. 5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey 8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon 9. You bring Coke into my house, you should bring rum along, and ice. 10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have half-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year. 11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. 13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop. 14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #2 and #29 go two ways - get on one of them. The more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing. 15. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept? 16. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.
Please enjoy your stay in North Dakota
Once upon a time in the Kingdomof Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangelfound Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance.
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europeis going to be poor; the Middle Eastover there will be a hotspot.
And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's North Dakota, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from North Dakota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the dingbats I'm putting around them in Montana& Minnesota!
(Only someone who has grown up in North Dakotawill send this on.) (many people can think of someone for whom this just might fit...)
GOOD
Madison , WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar po st in La Crosse , WI . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sel l me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. "He replied, " Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
BALANCE.... God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled as he said:
"There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Words to live by, that John Tesh WOULDN'T give you (not that he'd necessarily disagree!):
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. (Reminds me of despair.com, one of my favorite stores, and guilty pleasures. Thanks for the list, Lori!)
(Thanks to Todd Wandler for this:)
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN.Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.
(Thanks to Gene Grainer for passing this priceless gem along...)
The Parents That Drugged Us...
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.
"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
I replied I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.
Ed was in trouble: he forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, “tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped right in the middle of the driveway!Confused, the wife put on her roe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found….a brand new BATHROOM SCALE.….Ed has been missing since Friday…. Blonde Cookbook Monday: It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: HE wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing So I didn't dress.? What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper
Wednsday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.? I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. ? Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. ?I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: SOME folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. ---
Subject: The Stella Awards
Proof of entitlement mentality
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE : Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE: Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large b ag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE: Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay he r $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go…
2ND PLACE : Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma Cit y, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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